"So, tell me a bit about yourself."
It took everything Ella had in her not to roll her eyes at this marvelously original opening of the job interview she was currently at. In the last 3 months she had seen the inside of six corporate buildings. Unsurprisingly they all started to blend together after a while. Same concrete walls, same grey cubicles, same suits and ties. And clearly all recruiters in the land had attended the same 'how to conduct a job inteview seminar', because each of them insisted on asking Ella the exact questions she had been asked a decade ago when she had been applying for jobs. Not a lot of room for imagination there it seemed.
About yourself. What exactly were people expecting to hear in response to this? 'Well now, I'm a Libra. I enjoy bargain hunting at the supermarket and I often daydream about what it would be like to not need any money and simply sip margaritas by the sea for a good portion of the day.'
She knew what they wanted to hear. They wanted a breakdown of her previous jobs, education, accomplishments and the like. Which was all right there in her resume. Ella had a sneaking suspicion that some of these recruiters secretly hated their jobs and therefore did as little of it as possible. Something she could definitely relate to and possibly even bond over with the recruiter, however, it was starting to feel like wasted time and energy to perfect her resume and motivation letter since evidently they were merely skimmed through anyway.
Ella very nearly voiced these thoughts, but instead took a deep breath, smiled and told the truth.
"Well, let's see.. I dropped out of high school, due to the educational system and my peers crushing my very soul, causing me to carry around an everlasting sense that I don't belong anywhere. I thought going to work would keep me occupied and financially supported until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. Sadly that didn't happen for the next 12 years, so I stayed stuck in jobs I never really liked with bosses who were the stuff of nightmares."
A friendly smile bookended Ella's startling oration. A bewildered look appeared on the face of the recruiter.
"Right.. well.. thank you for your, candor."
It was clear as day that this was a premiere for the recruiter. Ella had expected this to be the end of the conversation. When the recruiter spoke again, it was Ella's turn to be surprised.
"And.. what would you say is your greatest weakness?"
They looked at Ella almost as if they regretted asking, surely fearing more of her 'candor'. But the question was on the clipboard, so it must be asked.
"Does honesty count as a weakness? I don't think it is, but clearly it's not doing me any favours in job interviews," she chuckled lightheartedly, while the recruiter tried to crack an uneasy smile. "At least, this one anyway," she continued, "but yeah my greatest weakness.. I would have to say, being way too freaking patient with bosses that are jackasses. I should've quit half my jobs in half the time it took me to do it."
Another amiable laugh erupted from within Ella. She briefly considered whether or not the recruiter believed her to have had one too many of those 'imaginary' margaritas before coming to this interview. Not much was to be determined by the expression on their face. The only thing that lingered there was the dazed look of disbelief which had manifested immediately after her first answer. The recruiter was visibly having a hard time comprehending what was happening here. Nonetheless, this was a stalwart recruiter and they pressed right on through to the next question.
"Mh.. yes and, where do you see yourself in five years?"
This time a hearty laugh reverberated off the walls.
"Five years?" an incredulous expression crossed Ella's face. "I don't even know what I'm doing five days from now. Besides, are you now where you thought you'd be five years ago? I certainly am not. Life is unpredictable. You can make all the plans you want, but when life decides otherwise you can throw those plans right in the bin. Which is why I've learned to set the bar low. In five years, I want to not have to be looking for a job. I want to be able to pay my bills and not sit through countless seemingly endless questionaires that haven't evolved since the stoneage, but since I know from experience that that is, most likely, too much to ask, I see myself answering the same damn questions five years from now, because the company that ends up hiring me today, will inevitably turn out to be a soul sucking entity that uses people until no longer desired."
The recruiter raised their eyebrows, not so much at her answer, but more so at the fact that this candidate managed to utter it all in one breath. They took one of their own and glanced at their clipboard. There were seven more questions left. Scanning the remaining ones, they stopped at 'What would you do with a million golf balls?', shuddering to imagine what the woman across from them would come up with, they cleared their throat. With slumped shoulders of resignation they asked the final question on the list.
"So.. why should we hire you?" concluded the recruiter with a slight anticipatory glimmer in their eye. They had, oddly enough, become quite amused by these colourful replies.
"You really shouldn't. Just do me a favour and don't hire me. I'll like it here for a while and the company will love me, because let's face it I'm a hard worker and damn good at what I do, but eventually the company will start to take me for granted, demanding overtime. They'll refuse to be flexible with my hours, but expect me to be. I will receive compliments about how well I'm doing and what an amazing asset I am to the company in the first few weeks and then never hear any such comments ever again, as if those first couple of pats on the back are supposed to sustain me for the remainder of my time here. Then I'll slowly slip into a depressive state, without anyone at work noticing of course, because I'm being a soldier and I keep on smiling and pretending I'm 'out on the town every weekend, living my best life' instead of telling the truth which is that life outside work consists of watching streaming shows to escape the mind-numbing reality that, even thinking of work makes me want to vomit and cry into my pillow for hours."
Ella took a breath here, staring off into the distance that was the white wall behind the recruiter. They might as well not even have been there, for Ella continued unperturbed, "And then, you know, I'd have to quit all over again. So you might as well not hire me, saving me from having to go through any of that," she ended with a shrug of her shoulders and a big sigh, returning her gaze to the recruiter in front of her.
Up until now the recruiter had remained rather impressively composed, mostly due to being in somewhat of a stupified state. However, it seemed they had reached a breaking point of sorts, because with an exasperated sigh and hands thrown up into the air they exclaimed, "But then why waste all of our time and apply for this job?"
Ella took a real good look at the recruiter's face for the first time in the last 20 minutes and paused a moment. She couldn't, for the life of her, remember the recruiter's name. They had introduced themselves naturally, but Ella promptly forgot it as soon as her backside hit the chair.
"Well now, that seems to me the best question you've asked today. I suppose I applied because I had to be confronted with yet another cookie-cutter interviewer who thinks they're doing the applicants a massive favour for which they ought to forever feel grateful and show this gratitude by giving up their life beyond work with little to no extra pay. I had to learn that this game exhausts me and that I'd like to no longer be a participant. I'll invent a new game. One where I'm the only player and I always win!"
With an air of determination Ella stood up and leaned over to shake the confounded recruiter's hand, sincerely hoping she hadn't broken.. what ever their name was.
"Thank you so much for showing me how unearthly awful corporate life is, has been and always will be. Now I know I never have to be a part of it again. I wish you much luck with your next candidate," Ella concluded with a good-natured smile and walked out the door.
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